(no subject)

[jademermaid]

It's been a long weekend.

Of course the Durga workshop was on Friday, and I nearly made it to the end, but the recent temperature changes have been rough on my knees. I do hope to work on Ariellah's mini choreography, I've not heard back from her, but I know that they need to get to a place that has internet, not to mention have the time to check email. I miss being young and on the road. I really enjoyed it and I admit I am somewhat jealous of those two!

After the workshop Corey made a bonfire, and a few people came by to hang out, even Tempest and Ariellah hung out with us, which was uber cool of them, I know they were probably really tired, but we enjoyed fangirling with them while they were here. I really expected more people to come to the house, it being a Friday night, but maybe they felt weird about going to a house they didn't know, or maybe they thought I was weird, whatever. The cool kids stayed until about 2 in the morning, and then I felt my eyelids closing, so I picked up the munchies and folks started clearing out.

The next morning I got up early so I could make breakfast for Corey, who was an angel and did lots of stuff around the house for the get together. But he decided to sleep late, so I got myself ready to go, I had to teach a beginner bellydance class at Pagan Pride Day. I knew it was going to be poorly attended, there had been some problems as always with the administration of it--getting pagans organized is like trying to nail jello to a tree. But the folks that were there were cool. twistedtulip was kind enough to give me a ride out there, but we all sort of wished we could have stayed in Lebanon that day and go to the bikers against child abuse gathering at the local coffeehouse.

I made it through class, though it was far from my best. I found it hard to focus and it was a bit chilly, which wasn't good for the old bones. We left after my class, though normally I would have hung out and danced to the Love Drums music, they are always good fun and like me, get roped into doing PPD every year.

This morning, I woke up with a sneezy headcold, probably from dancing in the cold weather, or maybe from being around lots of humans at once, that always makes me sick, LOL. I've spent most of the day watching old movies on cable and doing my Latin homework, and brooding.

I've been carrying some insecurity with me kind of pissed off all week, because after setting up a friend with the contact for a drum workshop, she completely dissed me and is asking other dancers to perform at the show after the drum workshop. Of course the girls she is asking are young pretty and skinny, which only serves to make me more depressed. Of all the people I would have thought would respect experience and talent over cute and thin, she really surprised me, and I'm having some trouble dealing with it. It burns me even more because I never hesitate to support her music project at the haflas we host, it just really hurts, you know? Today on my friends list, someone linked to an awful post where a thin and pretty girl has said atrocious things about plus sized women, and acts as though it is completely fine to spew the hatespeak--in fact, she chides others above a size 10 as huge, saying that her size zero is healthy and fat chicks are disgusting.

I was never skinny, but I was a size 7 in high school, and I remember swearing to myself that I would never get fat, that I would simply stop eating if I got fat--I mean why didn't fat people just stop eating so much? It is so easy to throw stones when you are standing on a pile of them. Now I know that getting older, quitting smoking, injuries and hell, life can slowly add pounds when you aren't looking, but what good is it to try and tell people that when all they see are young and pretty and skinny, and everything else is crap? Maybe it is some form of karma return, though I really don't believe is such things. In any case, I'm feeling fat and old and ugly lately, and it's causing me to have some hate toward cute and skinny and young people right now. It's not your fault.

Comments

[twisted-tulip.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry to hear you feel like this... but I totally think you are hot and sensual! When I met you ... I was impressed by you all moving with confidence and sensual beauty. And I enjoy seeing you dance... your spirit and liveliness attracts the audience always. Geez... perhaps you draw attention away from drummers, you bad girl!

[myrrhdusa.livejournal.com]

I know that everyone feels this way sometimes, I'm trying to deal with it, and thanks for the compliments.

[popfiend.livejournal.com]

I'm feeling fat and old and ugly lately

I think you are beautiful. You have a striking face and amazing eyes.

Period.

And remember...REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES.

YOU ARE HAWT!

Not just blowing smoke up your ass. Which mind you looks mighty fine in your pictures.

*HUGS*

If you need more flattery, just reply. I've got more in my back pocket.

[myrrhdusa.livejournal.com]

I can always count on you and your arsenal of kind words, thanks. :-)

[dement1a.livejournal.com]

It hurts me when I don't get picked to dance, too, and I immediately turn to my internal box o' self-degradation when I know it's probably because people just don't know me well enough to ask, or think I am too busy (cause I usually am), or whatever. And I'm starting to get up there in years, and have been up there in pounds for quite some time. And the young/pretty/skinny ones just make me feel all that much more inadequate. So, in that, you're not alone.

But, when these other people have their own ideas about what makes an 'appropriate' bellydancer, it doesn't mean that you are any less talented, or beautiful, or desirable. It means these people have a narrow-minded definition of beauty and can't see past their own intolerance.

I know it hurts. It hurts me. I have had men randomly come up to me and call me 'dog' or 'pig' or 'fat cunt' and no matter how much I push it off, it makes me want to hide in a dark room every time. People are evil and stupid and they do not know they are evil and stupid.

But in the same way the others have commented, I have to as well. You're beautiful. You have a wonderful, sensual way of dancing; you're expressive, you're fun, and you keep the audience paying attention the whole time. That means you're good. I've seen some of these pretty skinny girls dance, and they are just up there shaking their whatever, and people get bored after a couple minutes because they don't know how to draw the audience in. You do. Even when you say "oh I was awful" everybody was watching you and everyone thought you were wonderful. And I mean "wonderful" in its non-overused sense - captivating, wonder-invoking.

And at my thinnest I was a size 8, and had the boys trailing after me. I'm a 14 now, and the boys are still at it. 95% of the men out there do not like feeling up ironing boards. Fashion designers are gay men who like models to look like boys. That's all there is to it; good or bad, it's a fact. So, to hell with em. Your milkshake brings the boys to the yard, and damn right, it's better than theirs.

[myrrhdusa.livejournal.com]

Hey! I've been asking you to dance with us since day one...

I know that you understand. I'm trying to figure out now what I'm going to do about the workshop. Maybe I will just go and do the workshop and not hang around for the show. Hell, I don't even know if I can get there--are you planning to go?

[lepidopteragirl.livejournal.com]

Yes, come dance come dance! Carpool on Fridays may be an option? Hm?? ;)

[pam-allah.livejournal.com]

I was around a size 7 in high school and I remember holding up size 10 jeans and thinking, "My butt will NEVER be that big." LOL My I'm holding them up and thinking, My butt will never be that small.

[myrrhdusa.livejournal.com]

I know! When I go to the store and look at size 7/8's I am amazed I ever got into them.

[myshanter.livejournal.com]

You are so beautiful! But I know you won't believe me; after all, I've only seen pictures. Still, I would have no hestitation asking you to dance, or to go out, or...I'm shutting up now. *goes and hides*

[myrrhdusa.livejournal.com]

Aww, thanks. You never post anymore.

[saxondog.livejournal.com]

Never understood who the hell would want a size 0. If I can put my arm around a woman and then use the same hand to scratch my armpit, I figure I may as well hang out with a fence post. At least they listen and you always know where they are. They didn't fall down the drain or the gap in front of an elevator. Had friends like that if school. It was sometimes painful to have one in my lap. Hip bones digging into my thigh.

Besides, it's called belly dancing...not front of your spine dancing.

..and getting old sux. Knees hurt, shoulder hurts, hands cramp (and my painting suffering for it), and so on, and so one, and ........had three joints pop just typing this.

[myrrhdusa.livejournal.com]

Thanks for commenting. I really was just venting my feelings. Sometimes things get hard to figure out and it helps to write it down.

[mntnlaurel.livejournal.com]

I empathise with you. But remember you gotta have a belly to be a real bellydancer!! Its all in the attitude baby and you have tons of it.

[myrrhdusa.livejournal.com]

Attitude is something I do have, but not so much lately.

Sorry I've been so quiet, I'm not sure what to say about your current situation, I don't know either of you all that well.

[azdesertrose.livejournal.com]

A great big "BUGGER OFF!!" to the skinny people who have to hate on us big girls.

You are beautiful and sexy. Real women do have curves and jiggly bits.

[myrrhdusa.livejournal.com]

Great icon, and you say sweet things. :-)

[elysiangirl.livejournal.com]

i SO feel you, i can't even express how much, though my feelings are self-inflicted. i despise pictures of myself, they make me want to cry, so i'm taking some time off of performing until i can feel better about myself. i know this does not come naturally, however. i know i'm succombing to the ideas of the world around me.

[myrrhdusa.livejournal.com]

I know that you totally understand. I am the largest dancer so often that I think sometimes that is my identifier- the fat girl, the girl with big boobies, whatever. I know that most large troupes nowadays have at least one plus gal, but do they always feel this way too? When we talk about costumes, I have to shoot down some things because they will make me look like a whale, even though I know they will look cute on the other ladies. You are lucky with ATS, traditional ATS costuming looks nice on every size, in my opinion.

[lepidopteragirl.livejournal.com]

Okay first of all, the Raquay thing is just fucked up. I don't get the politics of that at all, and it sounds very unlike those involved to do this. I'm not sure what to make about that. However, if your time and talents aren't valued enough to get past this superficial crap which shouldn't even BE an issue because you are indeed beautiful, feminine, sensual and an awesome dancer, then don't sweat it. Their loss. I'm totally baffled.

Secondly...the hate post. That just completely pissed me off. Although most people who post things like that do so because of insecurities, it is still said. In a public forum. Where people are targeted and made to feel inferior. Not just those over size 10, but all women who struggle with body image...which is pretty much everyone! It is people like that who feed off media propoganda and perpetuate low self-esteems, eating disorders and the like for women of all shapes, sizes, weights and whathaveyou. It's that sort of pressure to feel accepted by mainstream myths of the female body that is destroying our young women instead of empowering them to love themselves AND each other. I may not be a size 10 either, but I have no right to pass judgements based on appearance, because the beauty of humans is that we are all DIFFERENT! Who wants little heroine-shooting clone girls? We want variety...beauty in all different ways. Fuck her. Fuck her condescending opinions. She is just buying into the game, and not playing very nicely.

Okay...off my soapbox.

[myrrhdusa.livejournal.com]

You and I talk about body image and eating disorders all the time, so I know you have heard my crap before. You are the one skinny chick I know that I can talk to about things like that.

At PPd, two tribally girls came up after my class, and they were nothing but nice, asking questions and stuff--but that day I just felt like they were the enemy. I couldn't be myself because I felt so lousy about myself, if that makes any sense. Of course i was also tired and in pain. I don't know, I'm just having a down time right now. It's making it hard to get working on a costume for Saturday, I'll tell ya.

[alexisyael.livejournal.com]

You are BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!

I agree with so much of what was said before me in the commments here. And I am so sad that Heather is taking time off from performing that it makes me want to cry! We need to find ways to see our inner beauty, all of us... I think that is part of the real work of being alive today. Which is to say, it isn't easy, but in the end, it will be worthwhile.

[myrrhdusa.livejournal.com]

I sometimes don't know what keeps me going, but I don't think I will stop dancing unless I physically can no longer manage it, and at that point I hope to be a decent drummer so I can still be near it.

I completely understand how she feels though, and I know you are missing the dance right now too. I think that I have lost my spiritual connection to my dancing that I never even questioned before. I mean I usually don't give a fuck what anyone thinks about me, and I'm feeling oddly superficial.

[elorie.livejournal.com]

*I* think you're beautiful. You're one of the people I hope to see at events, partially because you make me feel a bit sheltered :D

I took someone off my friends list for just that kind of vitriol aimed at fat people. It's not cool.

It's not cool to make fun of people for being skinny, either, which some people are doing (not you). There are some people who are naturally thin. What I'd like to see is a real love of diversity...we come in all shapes, sizes, colors, and temperaments and that's GOOD.

[myrrhdusa.livejournal.com]

Usually, my opinion is much more personality based, I'm just going through a cranky bit, I think.

Oh, and I am often told that my presence makes people feel sorta dirty. I think that's cool!

[durgablue.livejournal.com]

You are NOT ugly, you are NOT old, and what the fuck does it matter if you are not "skinny"??
Haven't you seen women of all sizes dance beautifully based on their talent, how hard they work at it, or the well-channelled soulfullness with which they dance? Does a particular size, hellacurvy or skinny, make a dancer more compelling? You are gorgeous, you move beautifully, just as you are. (I've seen the dance video of you and your troop you posted.) I bet the bone with a hank of hair you mentioned in your post, who was going off about "fat women", doesn't move half as well as you do. And she obviously has a shitload of body issues of her own or she wouldn't be so desperately compelled to such cruelty.

Why is it sensible people know that racism is ignorant and wrong, and yet don't see sizism for what it is? Another ignorant prejudice centered on a person's physical appearance.



Dance, when you're broken open.
Dance, if you've torn the bandage off.
Dance in the middle of the fighting.
Dance in your blood.
Dance, when you're perfectly free.

[ex-lady-pand461.livejournal.com]

I haven't read the hate post but I can tell you that the only words that come to mind when I think of you are "beautiful" "vivacious" and "wonderful awesome bellydance goodness!"

Sounds like the person coordinating that dance thing does not have the good sense to pick talent and experience over fluff. She'll learn one of these days. Either way don't sweat it, though I confess I don't get why she would be that way, especially since you have been helping her out with her music.

I have not read the hate post, but I have a general contempt for people who call others out just because of how they look. Only in America is there this obsession with uber-thin girls who resemble pre-pubescent boys. I used to hold out hope that one day Americans would get a clue, but I doubt seriously it will ever happen.

I hope your day improves - don't let stupid vain people get you down with their silly comments!

Crude but true.

[crystal-prism.livejournal.com]

My weight tends to fluctuate and it bothers me, still I can honestly say, I get laid more fat. Say what you will about health and beauty, it is hard to argue with that fact. I am always working out, or just plain working, making sure to eat my greens and turning down at least half the beers I'd like to drink. I gave up smoking entirely. That is as healthy as I plan to get at this point in my life. I'm not saying fat is great and thin isn't. I'm just saying that neither is the end all be all of health and beauty. It's all in the mind. People can like one or the other if they want to. Personally, I've never liked blond guys. They aren't ugly, I just don't prefer them. But, when somebody goes about really diggin in to another person based on looks, it usually means the harasser is insecure. You can be too thin and you can be too fat, in reference to health. But, most people are only really interested in being attractive. So luv your curves, if ya got 'em. Luv your itty bitty perky titties, if ya got 'em. And guys should do the same. I love the bald guys! So, stop wearing wigs. I don't care if they've got a washboard stomach or a little poochy tummy, sexy is as sexy does. (Remember dudes, when hassled about the gut, be sure to say, "When you've got a tool like this, you've got to build a shed over it.") I'm still a little disturbed over all the waxing off of hair that ladies and gentlemen are into these days.
But, Jill, you are one of the loveliest ladies I know.

[saxondog.livejournal.com]

Just as a little add on data. India and Spain both restricted fashion models to those with a BMI of 18 or higher. I've seen references to other countries considering such action.

That's about 123lbs at 5' 8". Still thin but bigger then some I've seen.