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Oct. 16th, 2006 01:50 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jademermaidIt's been a long weekend.
Of course the Durga workshop was on Friday, and I nearly made it to the end, but the recent temperature changes have been rough on my knees. I do hope to work on Ariellah's mini choreography, I've not heard back from her, but I know that they need to get to a place that has internet, not to mention have the time to check email. I miss being young and on the road. I really enjoyed it and I admit I am somewhat jealous of those two!
After the workshop Corey made a bonfire, and a few people came by to hang out, even Tempest and Ariellah hung out with us, which was uber cool of them, I know they were probably really tired, but we enjoyed fangirling with them while they were here. I really expected more people to come to the house, it being a Friday night, but maybe they felt weird about going to a house they didn't know, or maybe they thought I was weird, whatever. The cool kids stayed until about 2 in the morning, and then I felt my eyelids closing, so I picked up the munchies and folks started clearing out.
The next morning I got up early so I could make breakfast for Corey, who was an angel and did lots of stuff around the house for the get together. But he decided to sleep late, so I got myself ready to go, I had to teach a beginner bellydance class at Pagan Pride Day. I knew it was going to be poorly attended, there had been some problems as always with the administration of it--getting pagans organized is like trying to nail jello to a tree. But the folks that were there were cool.![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
twistedtulip was kind enough to give me a ride out there, but we all sort of wished we could have stayed in Lebanon that day and go to the bikers against child abuse gathering at the local coffeehouse.
I made it through class, though it was far from my best. I found it hard to focus and it was a bit chilly, which wasn't good for the old bones. We left after my class, though normally I would have hung out and danced to the Love Drums music, they are always good fun and like me, get roped into doing PPD every year.
This morning, I woke up with a sneezy headcold, probably from dancing in the cold weather, or maybe from being around lots of humans at once, that always makes me sick, LOL. I've spent most of the day watching old movies on cable and doing my Latin homework, and brooding.
I've beencarrying some insecurity with me kind of pissed off all week, because after setting up a friend with the contact for a drum workshop, she completely dissed me and is asking other dancers to perform at the show after the drum workshop. Of course the girls she is asking are young pretty and skinny, which only serves to make me more depressed. Of all the people I would have thought would respect experience and talent over cute and thin, she really surprised me, and I'm having some trouble dealing with it. It burns me even more because I never hesitate to support her music project at the haflas we host, it just really hurts, you know? Today on my friends list, someone linked to an awful post where a thin and pretty girl has said atrocious things about plus sized women, and acts as though it is completely fine to spew the hatespeak--in fact, she chides others above a size 10 as huge, saying that her size zero is healthy and fat chicks are disgusting.
I was never skinny, but I was a size 7 in high school, and I remember swearing to myself that I would never get fat, that I would simply stop eating if I got fat--I mean why didn't fat people just stop eating so much? It is so easy to throw stones when you are standing on a pile of them. Now I know that getting older, quitting smoking, injuries and hell, life can slowly add pounds when you aren't looking, but what good is it to try and tell people that when all they see are young and pretty and skinny, and everything else is crap? Maybe it is some form of karma return, though I really don't believe is such things. In any case, I'm feeling fat and old and ugly lately, and it's causing me to have some hate toward cute and skinny and young people right now. It's not your fault.
Of course the Durga workshop was on Friday, and I nearly made it to the end, but the recent temperature changes have been rough on my knees. I do hope to work on Ariellah's mini choreography, I've not heard back from her, but I know that they need to get to a place that has internet, not to mention have the time to check email. I miss being young and on the road. I really enjoyed it and I admit I am somewhat jealous of those two!
After the workshop Corey made a bonfire, and a few people came by to hang out, even Tempest and Ariellah hung out with us, which was uber cool of them, I know they were probably really tired, but we enjoyed fangirling with them while they were here. I really expected more people to come to the house, it being a Friday night, but maybe they felt weird about going to a house they didn't know, or maybe they thought I was weird, whatever. The cool kids stayed until about 2 in the morning, and then I felt my eyelids closing, so I picked up the munchies and folks started clearing out.
The next morning I got up early so I could make breakfast for Corey, who was an angel and did lots of stuff around the house for the get together. But he decided to sleep late, so I got myself ready to go, I had to teach a beginner bellydance class at Pagan Pride Day. I knew it was going to be poorly attended, there had been some problems as always with the administration of it--getting pagans organized is like trying to nail jello to a tree. But the folks that were there were cool.
twistedtulip was kind enough to give me a ride out there, but we all sort of wished we could have stayed in Lebanon that day and go to the bikers against child abuse gathering at the local coffeehouse.I made it through class, though it was far from my best. I found it hard to focus and it was a bit chilly, which wasn't good for the old bones. We left after my class, though normally I would have hung out and danced to the Love Drums music, they are always good fun and like me, get roped into doing PPD every year.
This morning, I woke up with a sneezy headcold, probably from dancing in the cold weather, or maybe from being around lots of humans at once, that always makes me sick, LOL. I've spent most of the day watching old movies on cable and doing my Latin homework, and brooding.
I've been
I was never skinny, but I was a size 7 in high school, and I remember swearing to myself that I would never get fat, that I would simply stop eating if I got fat--I mean why didn't fat people just stop eating so much? It is so easy to throw stones when you are standing on a pile of them. Now I know that getting older, quitting smoking, injuries and hell, life can slowly add pounds when you aren't looking, but what good is it to try and tell people that when all they see are young and pretty and skinny, and everything else is crap? Maybe it is some form of karma return, though I really don't believe is such things. In any case, I'm feeling fat and old and ugly lately, and it's causing me to have some hate toward cute and skinny and young people right now. It's not your fault.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2006-10-16 03:50 am (UTC)But, when these other people have their own ideas about what makes an 'appropriate' bellydancer, it doesn't mean that you are any less talented, or beautiful, or desirable. It means these people have a narrow-minded definition of beauty and can't see past their own intolerance.
I know it hurts. It hurts me. I have had men randomly come up to me and call me 'dog' or 'pig' or 'fat cunt' and no matter how much I push it off, it makes me want to hide in a dark room every time. People are evil and stupid and they do not know they are evil and stupid.
But in the same way the others have commented, I have to as well. You're beautiful. You have a wonderful, sensual way of dancing; you're expressive, you're fun, and you keep the audience paying attention the whole time. That means you're good. I've seen some of these pretty skinny girls dance, and they are just up there shaking their whatever, and people get bored after a couple minutes because they don't know how to draw the audience in. You do. Even when you say "oh I was awful" everybody was watching you and everyone thought you were wonderful. And I mean "wonderful" in its non-overused sense - captivating, wonder-invoking.
And at my thinnest I was a size 8, and had the boys trailing after me. I'm a 14 now, and the boys are still at it. 95% of the men out there do not like feeling up ironing boards. Fashion designers are gay men who like models to look like boys. That's all there is to it; good or bad, it's a fact. So, to hell with em. Your milkshake brings the boys to the yard, and damn right, it's better than theirs.
no subject
Date: 2006-10-16 02:51 pm (UTC)I know that you understand. I'm trying to figure out now what I'm going to do about the workshop. Maybe I will just go and do the workshop and not hang around for the show. Hell, I don't even know if I can get there--are you planning to go?
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Date: 2006-10-16 05:37 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-10-16 06:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-10-16 09:31 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-10-16 05:09 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-10-16 05:32 pm (UTC)Possibly the Friday after this one, depending on when I leave to go out of town.
Yes carpooling may be an option, email me at sara@saratrice.com and we'll see if we can work out some details. Also added you as a friend. :)
no subject
Date: 2006-10-16 06:38 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-10-16 09:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-10-16 09:23 pm (UTC)