jademermaid | (no subject)

It's been a long weekend.

Of course the Durga workshop was on Friday, and I nearly made it to the end, but the recent temperature changes have been rough on my knees. I do hope to work on Ariellah's mini choreography, I've not heard back from her, but I know that they need to get to a place that has internet, not to mention have the time to check email. I miss being young and on the road. I really enjoyed it and I admit I am somewhat jealous of those two!

After the workshop Corey made a bonfire, and a few people came by to hang out, even Tempest and Ariellah hung out with us, which was uber cool of them, I know they were probably really tired, but we enjoyed fangirling with them while they were here. I really expected more people to come to the house, it being a Friday night, but maybe they felt weird about going to a house they didn't know, or maybe they thought I was weird, whatever. The cool kids stayed until about 2 in the morning, and then I felt my eyelids closing, so I picked up the munchies and folks started clearing out.

The next morning I got up early so I could make breakfast for Corey, who was an angel and did lots of stuff around the house for the get together. But he decided to sleep late, so I got myself ready to go, I had to teach a beginner bellydance class at Pagan Pride Day. I knew it was going to be poorly attended, there had been some problems as always with the administration of it--getting pagans organized is like trying to nail jello to a tree. But the folks that were there were cool.

twistedtulip was kind enough to give me a ride out there, but we all sort of wished we could have stayed in Lebanon that day and go to the bikers against child abuse gathering at the local coffeehouse.

I made it through class, though it was far from my best. I found it hard to focus and it was a bit chilly, which wasn't good for the old bones. We left after my class, though normally I would have hung out and danced to the Love Drums music, they are always good fun and like me, get roped into doing PPD every year.

This morning, I woke up with a sneezy headcold, probably from dancing in the cold weather, or maybe from being around lots of humans at once, that always makes me sick, LOL. I've spent most of the day watching old movies on cable and doing my Latin homework, and brooding.

I've been ~~carrying some insecurity with me~~ kind of pissed off all week, because after setting up a friend with the contact for a drum workshop, she completely dissed me and is asking other dancers to perform at the show after the drum workshop. Of course the girls she is asking are young pretty and skinny, which only serves to make me more depressed. Of all the people I would have thought would respect experience and talent over cute and thin, she really surprised me, and I'm having some trouble dealing with it. It burns me even more because I never hesitate to support her music project at the haflas we host, it just really hurts, you know? Today on my friends list, someone linked to an awful post where a thin and pretty girl has said atrocious things about plus sized women, and acts as though it is completely fine to spew the hatespeak--in fact, she chides others above a size 10 as huge, saying that her size zero is healthy and fat chicks are disgusting.

I was never skinny, but I was a size 7 in high school, and I remember swearing to myself that I would never get fat, that I would simply stop eating if I got fat--I mean why didn't fat people just stop eating so much? It is so easy to throw stones when you are standing on a pile of them. Now I know that getting older, quitting smoking, injuries and hell, life can slowly add pounds when you aren't looking, but what good is it to try and tell people that when all they see are young and pretty and skinny, and everything else is crap? Maybe it is some form of karma return, though I really don't believe is such things. In any case, I'm feeling fat and old and ugly lately, and it's causing me to have some hate toward cute and skinny and young people right now. It's not your fault.

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I know that you totally understand. I am the largest dancer so often that I think sometimes that is my identifier- the fat girl, the girl with big boobies, whatever. I know that most large troupes nowadays have at least one plus gal, but do they always feel this way too? When we talk about costumes, I have to shoot down some things because they will make me look like a whale, even though I know they will look cute on the other ladies. You are lucky with ATS, traditional ATS costuming looks nice on every size, in my opinion.

well, i appreciate that but i sure don't feel good about myself when i see pictures. and yes, i'd be willing to bet that most every plus size dancer in every group struggles with it from time to time.

Pictures are evil. Especially snapshots, since you don't get a chance to show a nice angle. Eeeew.

most defintitely, and it seems lately they are either straight on or coming up from the floor, both MOST unflattering angles for me and my chins.

I think perhaps there may be something going on that is affecting us both. Perhaps it's astrological (We are both Aquarians) or perhaps it's something troop-related? I have no clue. I know it hasn't brought me as much joy as of late and the thought of taking a month or so off has crossed my mind more than once. I *know* I need to do something !soon! or I will be swelling up more again but the only thing that is sounding at all attractive right now is going back to a dojo and learning, sweating, sparring and coming home sore and bruised. Thing is at the Dojo that may work for me classes are only Tuesdays & Thursdays, Tuesday is a class night & Thursdays are the husband's night out (I can't/won't ask him to give that up now that he finally is okay with having a hobby that gets him out of the house and it's good quality time with the teen for him too). I keep hoping this will pass but I have been dealing with the body-image thing since the last hafla.

BTW I also think I am actually bigger than you right now, or you carry it better or something.

I think it might be this depressing weather.

Tuesdays you don't come to class anyway, unless Rose is sick, in which case I impose on you.

You are smaller than me, but we could probably both use some exercise again. I want to work out today, but I'm creaky from the cold and wet. I will probably do my drills, maybe a few of Ariellahs too. I've been doing them but I've not been posting anything. I should probably get back to doing that too.

We could make an effort to take turns leading different kinds of workouts for the first few minutes during class. Everyone can use a little pick-me up workout for endorphines, energy, general health, sexual health (I'll be posting more on this later...), and conditioning for dance. Just a thought? 15-20 minutes of really hard-core focus doesn't seem like a lot once a week, right? I'll even start this Friday if you're up for it. ;)

Let's get you two feeling better. Maybe if we can set some troupe fitness/drill goals that we actually work on during troupe time (instead of having to rely on ourselves outside all the time) it would work better? My 2 bits...

Here's the thing--we need to use troupe time, as scant as it is, to work on troupe choreos or drills or things to improve our performances. I really think that exercise needs to become something we do (possibly together) outside of troupe time. As it is, I only get you guys together for an hour, maybe and hour and a half if the stars align. Most troupes work together twice a week or more.

If you can come up with something that takes about ten minutes, manages to warm the muscles enough for dancing, I'm cool with that, but it needs to be on a night when everyone is there on time for it to be of any help. :-(

Maybe I'm just being defeatist today. Have you seen the grey and rain outside? I feel like climbing into a hole.

Thing is lately Rose is sick quite a bit and if I am paying to go to a dojo and that's the only day I can go then it would be money wasted, there are no refunds if you miss classes and you can't pay by the class.

Oh I thought that you just payed on the nights that you went, I didn't realize there were classes. Did you ever look around at the ones her? I know you liked the Gallatin one, but I thought you had said you were going to look around at the ones here.

No unfortunately I have yet to find any actual sweat and hard work Dojos that offer it by the class. It is the Dojo here in Lebanon that I am interested in visiting that is Tuesday's & Thursdays. I think the one in Gallatin is gone :(

I know they have classes at the Jimmy Floyd center but they aren't as serious in their approach as I would like. There are also a couple of Karate 'Studios' in town but again, I want something more hardcore than show.