in reply to black_whiteboy.

There are many things that I didn't appreciate about your treatment of me as well. You lied, or at the very least, misled me into thinking that you were so very depressed and unhappy that you needed to escape from the place you were. You complained nearly every time we spoke on the phone about your supreme unhappiness, and since I considered you a friend, I went out of my way to help you. You said your girlfriend didn't understand you, you were confused about your sexuality, you felt trapped in the relationship, that you resented her for her happiness. You did things that no woman should ever have to deal with from a prospective husband.

These are all warning signs to me that you need to find yourself. You think I don't know what I'm talking about, that's fine--hell, I told you that was fine, just say Jill, you are full of shit--but instead you just buried everything and lied about how you were feeling. You pretended that everything was okay when you were actually planning to leave in the most cowardly and juvenile way possible. Then you want me to respect you as an adult. :-/

Yet from the moment you arrived, you'd never really left the place you were, and were so committed to remaining maudlin and unsociable that you made my life and the life of my husband uncomfortable and miserable as well. Nevertheless, we decided to keep trying to help you, rearranging our lives and living situation and finances to accommodate you as a roommmate, though you never thanked us for any of it at the time or since. Instead you tried to disappear, which made me feel as though you hated me.

You don't like being told what to do, I understand that. By the time we had that conversation you had strained me to the limit with your unfriendliness toward me and Corey. How rude to live in a person's house and never greet them or say goodnight! Even more rude was the fact that you could go to Rose's house and be friendly with her--this sent Corey and I into a tailspin, by the way. Were we such horrid people that we didn't deserve a kind word?

But I could have forgiven all of that in time, I am quite forgiving given the time to get over things. But the day you woke up and told me you were depressed and then disappeared for three hours was the last straw. To find you, hiding behind your truck talking on the phone, complaining about things around here was a full circle to the beginning.

Part of my anger was worry, but a great deal of it was pent up frustration from the living situation. I get more feedback from you on the phone or online than I do in person. You made me feel like I was walking on eggshells every day, in my own house, and then instead of talking to me about your plans to leave, you went and whined on the phone to someone else. You left me feeling used, betrayed and utterly spent in the end, and I think you should know that. I cannot believe that I allowed you to injure me in this way, all because I felt the need to try and help you out of a bad situation. It still hurts to think about, and it's been over a week since you took off.

Not to mention the fact that you deserted Rose and I in our Latin studies, and then send me vague messages in Latin through someone else's journal! Talk about adding insult to injury...

So enjoy your life, destroy your journal, whatever makes you happy. I really do want you to be happy, you know. That's all I ever did want, and one day maybe you will understand that.


But I doubt it.

(no subject)

I know I haven't posted in a couple of days, I've been lounging around and enjoying some alone time with the hubby! Saturnalia went quite well, and I will post some pictures probably later on today. I wanted to post about my lack of exercise though. I'm not sure why this always happens, but when I get my period of course I don't want to work out, which is understandable, but then when it's over, I can't seem to get going again! I have not done my exercise today, but I will do it when I finish this post.

I sent out invitations through email for a New Year's bonfire party, and I've not heard back from too many people, which I admit I find a bit odd. Things will probably start around dusk, and I plan to make rumrunners and grog in keeping with the piratey theme. I usually have a bonfire every year for madrun, but it looks like she won't be here this year, which makes me sad. I will still have the bonfire and party though, maybe gypsy_raihana will be able to come and tend the fire, she's a firebug too.

If you didn't get an invitation, and you would like to come out for drinking and fire on New Year's, leave a comment!

I'm in a rather coarse mood, likely from the Metellus crap, but I now wonder just where to place people in my life. There are my very good friends, who I see often and tell everything, but the friends that I was very close to last year at this time I hardly see anymore. I'm not sure if this is just circumstance or intention, I do live a good drive from many of them, after all. Maybe it's just because I haven't had a hafla in a while, that usually gives them a reason to come to the sticks. Still, I wonder if they are moving away from me somewhat, making new friends and finding new interests. I know it's natural, it just makes me mourn them sometimes, like today.

I never really felt the longing for friendship earlier in my life, but getting older makes you nostalgic and sensitive, I guess. It worries me that I'm worried about this though, since I've always made friends easily and been open with them. Why worry now? Maybe it's end of the year blues, or something more healthy, clearing things out for the future.

Speaking of clearing things out, twisted_tulip made it out on Tuesday and I went through my dressers and closets and got rid of things I don't wear. There was also a stark realization, the things I do wear are not that nice! I keep buying cheap clothes and then wearing them to rags, when what I should do is buy or make nice things and wear those instead. I think it's some sort of self-deprecating behavior, like I don't deserve nice clothes or something. I guess I'd rather spend money on bellydance stuff or jewelry for my ears. My goal size is 1/2", I'm at 7/16ths now, just one stretch away! I know, you all think I'm weird, and that's okay. :-)

okay, ramble over, and I'm off to work out!

Exercise Post.

60 minutes, Core focus, Yourself fitness.

Yeah, I'm trying to make up for lost time. It wasn't too bad really, I probably am not ready to do 60 minutes of the cardio section yet, but the core is an aerobic warm up and then the rest is abdominal and back exercises, so I got through it with some bitching at Maya. It says I've burned almost 200 calories which is nice, but now I'm hungry!